


and i'm on my way to believing

by canyonblu



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:01:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25159669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canyonblu/pseuds/canyonblu
Summary: Growing up, Jake Peralta swore to never become his father. When forced to leave Amy to go to Florida, he deals with nightmares and feelings of guilt. Happy ending.Title from "The Only Exception" by Paramore. Lyrics are referenced throughout the story.
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	and i'm on my way to believing

**_When I was younger  
I saw my daddy cry  
And curse at the wind  
He broke his own heart  
And I watched  
As he tried to reassemble it_ **

_"How dare you go behind my back and be with other women as I work my ass off trying to feed the family back here!"_

_"Dude, I swear, I have no idea how that got into my bag. I didn't do anything!"_

6-year-old Jake huddled under the blankets in his bed, bringing his knees closer to his chest with every shout. Jake did not really understand what was going on, but he knew Mum and Dad were angry with each other.

_"How are you still trying to lie to me? Roger Peralta you sicken me!"_

_"You are being ridiculous. I don't even know why I bother dealing with the two of you at all!"_

With that, he heard a loud slam, indicating that Dad had left the house again. He knew what this meant - Dad was going out with his friends, and he would come back smelling all weird and being all angry at him. He shuddered at the thought, and wished he could just disappear into his sheets. But he was a good kid, so he got up and crept out into the living room to check on Mum. 

Mum was crying on the floor, a bottle of wine in her hand. Even at such a young age, Jake felt a surge of protectiveness overcome him. His mum was sad, and he didn't want that. Jake walked over to her and gave her a hug. Mum forced a smile and returned the hug, before saying "Jakey its past bedtime, let's put you to bed.". 

Jake complied, but spent the night spent tossing and turning in bed. Even when he finally drifted off to sleep, it was plagued with nightmares of his parents splitting up and Dad being mad at him. 

\--------------

**_And my momma swore_ **   
**_That she would never let herself forget_ **   
**_And that was the day that I promised_ **   
**_I'd never sing of love_ **   
**_If it does not exist_ **

Jake's nightmare did come true exactly 1 year later -- Mum and Dad filed for a divorce. Dad patted Jake on the head and promised he would visit often, but he broke that promise over and over again. Finances were tight afterwards and Jake felt like Mum had left too, because she was always working and he barely saw her anymore. And in the moments when he did, Mum always looked tired and sad. 

Somewhere between cowering under the covers trying to drown out his parents fights and coming home to his mum dead tired on the couch, Jake decided that he would never get in a committed relationship. That love was a scam and it only brought about hurt. He should know, as he has witnessed and lived with the after effects of failed love. 

\--------------

**_Maybe I know, somewhere_ **   
**_Deep in my soul_ **   
**_That love never lasts_ **   
**_And we've got to find other ways_ **   
**_To make it alone_ **   
**_But keep a straight face_ **

And he stuck to his conviction. 

Growing up, he would get into casual flings - fun dates and great sex, never anything more. At any first signs of seriousness, he would make sure to runaway, giving excuses. 

Until Sophia. She was the first person he really wanted to try for. He had worn his heart on his sleeve, only to see it getting crushed with her bare hands. If that taught him anything, it was that he was right in the first place - he should have never tried to get into a committed relationship. 

\--------------

_**And I've always lived like this** _   
_**Keeping a comfortable, distance** _   
_**And up until now** _   
_**I had sworn to myself that I'm content** _   
_**With loneliness**_

_**Because none of it was ever worth the risk** _

_**But, you are, the only exception** _

But Amy Santiago. Kind, beautiful, amazing, talented...Amy. If he had to risk getting hurt just to be with someone as amazing, he was willing. Sure, he was scared, but just looking at Amy caused the fear to ease just a little. 

However, there were still days when his anxieties were too overpowering. When his childhood memories really caught up to him.

Jake would often say things like "Ames, I really hope this will last", or he would respond to Amy's plans for the future with, "Mm I really hope our relationship will last so that we will get to live that out". Amy thought it was a little strange but she usually let it slide, attributing it to Jake's unique way of showing appreciation for the relationship. 

\--------------

On the night after their six month anniversary celebration, Jake had exclaimed innocently, "Wow! 6 months, Ames! Who knew we would have made it this far!" 

To his surprise, Amy had taken offence to it, "What? Jake, did you think we would not have lasted? Are you even serious about us?" 

Jake blinked, confused, "Of course I am serious! I'm sorry I didn't mean it to sound that way. I just...never expected to be in a successful relationship, is all."

It was now Amy's turn to be confused, "What do you mean? Did you expect this to fail?" 

Jake bit his lower lip, worried. He did not want to offend Amy, but he did not know how to explain himself without unloading all his childhood trauma on her. 

"No, no! It's just, I never really believed in love before you I guess. But I'm okay now, we're good." Jake tried to brush it off. 

"Huh, how can you not believe in love? It's not a mythical creature." 

"As in," Jake felt a little trapped, he was never good at explaining how he felt. "Um because my parents were divorced, right? So I just thought that love wasn't real. Or that it only brought hurt." 

"Oh," Amy's face softened. Jake was so good at hiding (or repressing) his feelings that it often went unnoticed. "Jake, we are not your parents. We are going to make this work okay? Because we love each other." 

Before Jake could stop himself, words were already tumbling out of his mouth.

"Yeah but my parents also thought they were in love," Jake spat out, before his eyes widened in panic. "Oh my god, no, no I don't mean that we are going to be like that, I'm sorry! Ugh I shouldn't have talked about this!" 

But Amy just took his hand and stroked his thumb soothingly, "It's okay, Jake. It's not your fault for feeling this way. Whatever it is, we will get through it together okay?" 

Jake had lived his whole life life in trepidation, and in fear of the worst. But right there and then, with Amy, Jake had never felt more serene. 

\--------------

As the relationship evolved, Jake's anxieties grew from being afraid of getting hurt to being afraid of hurting Amy. He loved her so much, sometimes he just felt like she deserved better than a screw-up like him. Jake knew he was bad at many things - at important stuff like organizing, financial planning and taking care of his health. These things made him feel like he was not a good enough boyfriend to Amy, and he wished he could be better for her. But there was one thing that he swore to do - and that was to always be there for her, and to never leave her. Because that was what his dad did to his mum and him, and he was going to make sure that he was better than that, so that their relationship would not end. So that Amy did not have to go through what his mum went through. 

But then, he left.

He broke his promise by getting put into the Witness Protection Programme and being away from Amy for months. 

Throughout his time in Florida, thoughts about letting Amy down just kept replaying in his mind. He can't believe that he allowed himself to leave Amy's side. That he let himself become his father, the one person he tried so hard to not replicate.

Florida was dark time, filled with self-loathing and emptiness. For the first time in years, he was engulfed in bad memories from his childhood - things he spent years trying to repress and get over. Some nights he would wake up at 3AM from a nightmare - it usually started off with his parents fighting and breaking plates, but it would transition into him and Amy fighting, and Amy crying on the floor. He always woke up crying, trying his best to stave off the memory of Amy looking so hurt and the feeling of guilt that was growing within him.

On worse nights, his mind would bring him back to memories of his father, reeking of alcohol, towering over him, yelling vulgarities at him while kicking and hitting him. 

He couldn't believe he was becoming like his father. How could he do that to Amy? 

\--------------

On his first night home, Jake had been unusually quiet. Amy had attributed it to the trauma that he had gone through back in Florida. 

"Hey, is everything okay?" 

"Yea, I'm here with you." But his smile did not quite reach his eyes. 

"Do you want to talk about what happened in Florida?" 

Jake was stunned, _how did she know about the darkness he was feeling?_

"Huh, how did you know?" 

"Know what? I was there, Jake." 

_Oh, of course she's talking about how he was held at gunpoint by Figgis and how she shot him in the leg. Of course, no doubt no doubt._

"Oh, nothing. Yeah I'm okay." 

"Know about what, Jake?" Amy was looking at him, eyes filled with concern. "Please Jake, don't keep things to yourself." 

"Ummm," Jake could not bring himself to lie to Amy, not after her plea.

"I just...I'm so sorry for leaving you, even though I promised I would never ever do that. I'm so so sorry." Jake felt tears growing in his eyes. _How could he do that to Amy?_

"Jake, you did not leave me. You had no choice. It was not your fault, Jake." Amy was so quick to reassure him. 

"But I still left you. I still left you even though I swore I would not! How does that make me any different from my dad?" Jake swallowed hard, trying to keep his tears at bay. _Why was he the one crying when he was the one at fault?_

"You are not your dad, Jake. Your dad left by choice, he was a bastard. You did not have a choice, you had to go to Florida to be kept safe! You are amazing, you are loving, you are the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. You are not your dad, Jake." Amy made sure to repeat it twice, knowing how much Jake feared that he would grow up like his father. 

Jake felt his anxieties seep away slowly, as Amy continued to reassure her. He could not quite believe her words, but Amy always made him feel like everything would be okay. He clung onto her, trying to steady his breathing. 

"Jake, so what happened at Florida?" 

Oh, right. 

"Uhh...I had nightmares, sometimes. Yeah, they weren't fun." 

"Of what?" Amy asked gently. 

Jake didn't talk about his childhood much. He preferred to pretend like it was not a huge part of his life, and that it did not affect him. Over the past year, Amy had tried to ask, but he was always able to successfully deflect her probing. It seemed like tonight was not one of those times. 

"Of my dad. And my mum. Of them fighting, mostly. And then it'd be us fighting, and you'd be crying. And I was just standing there, helpless, because I caused you the pain. God, I really hated the sight of you in pain." Jake felt tears slip down his cheeks, unable to hold them in anymore. 

Amy held him closer, rubbing soothing circles on his back. 

"It's just a nightmare, it's not real. You never cause me harm, Jake." 

"Some parts were real though," Jake felt his mind race with thoughts. _Amy deserved to know right? After all she's been through for him?_

"Dad and Mum used to get into really bad fights. I was really worried about Mum. But...like, I was so young. I wanted so much to help her! But I was just useless. I would just hide under my covers as I heard plates break in the living room and Mum cry. I just, I felt so useless." 

"Jake, you were a child, you couldn't have done anything. You weren't useless, you were just a child." 

"I don't know, I just always felt so bad. For not being able to help my Mum get away from that bastard. And...he would get drunk and he would hurt me too, you know? But I was too weak to defend myself. I just let him."

Amy suddenly stopped rubbing his back, and Jake let out an involuntary whine. 

"Jake, he hurt you?" 

Jake wanted to curl into himself. He should have never opened up, it was too hard. 

"I mean...he wasn't around all the time. And it was usually when he was drunk. It wasn't that bad." 

"You still have nightmares about it, Jake." 

"It's just a bad season. I'm okay, I promise. It wasn't that bad." 

_Oh god, Jake was worrying Amy again._

"Jake, you don't have to always be okay. I'm here for you, okay? Through the good and definitely through the bad." 

Amy's words sounded dangerously close to wedding vows. But for the first time in his life, her seriousness did not trigger a flight response from Jake. Instead, Jake snuggled closer to Amy. 

**_You are, the only exception_ **

All his life, Jake always felt like happiness was elusive. That he would never find true love, because of his family and his past. For the first time that night, he felt like maybe...happiness was right here, holding him close.

**_And I'm on my way to believing_ **   
**_Oh, and I'm on my way to believing._ **

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated :)


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